Sands

The festive season is often a difficult time for families who have experienced the death of a baby. Here are some suggestions for how to cope during the holiday season:

Plan ahead
Bereaved parents who experience the most difficulty with the holiday season tend to be those who have given little thought to the challenges they will encounter. Consider ahead of time what may be expected of you, both socially and emotionally, as well as your own preferences.

Accept your limitations
Grief consumes most of your available energy no matter what the season. The holidays place additional demands on your time and emotions. Plan to lower your expectations to accommodate current needs.

Make changes
Your circumstances have changed. Consider changing your surroundings, rituals and/or traditions to diminish stress. Let family and friends know that things may be different.

Ask for and accept help
Accept offers for assistance with shopping, decorating, cleaning, cooking etc. Chances are loved are looking for ways to help you. Allow those who care about you to support you in practical ways.

Build in flexibility
Learn to ‘play it by ear’. There is no concrete formula for learning to deal with loss. You are the authority on what is best for you, and your needs may change from day to day. Accept the fluctuations that may occur, and learn to take each moment as it comes.

Give yourself permission ‘to be’
Allow breathing space and expect fluctuations in mood and perspective. The bereaved often work overtime. Not only is life more complicated, but all energy is channeled into mental and emotional resolution. Grieving is nature’s way of healing the mind and heart from the greatest injury of all. Allow yourself the privilege of limping until your wounds have healed and you can learn to run again.

Some ideas to consider while preparing for Christmas:

Don’t set goals that are too ambitious
Just do what is most important to you
You may choose to continue with traditions, you may choose to do different or new things
You may want to adapt the normal Christmas shopping and card sending routine
You may like to place special decorations or mementos on the Christmas tree
You may like to make a mobile or mural or wall hanging or some other type of craft work
You may like to purchase a gift in memory of your baby and donate it to a charity
When you feel tired or drained, take a break
You may prefer to go away
Think ahead about the things people might say
Remember sadness and happiness don’t cancel each other out and can exist alongside each other.

On Christmas day:

Light a memorial candle
Plant a tree or shrub
Place a favourite flower, plant or object on the table as a centerpiece
Observe a time of silence or prayer as part of the mealtime
Write in a journal or diary, or a letter, poem or short story
Play some special music
Visit the cemetery or special location.